The X-Rated Bible
By James Donahue
When I was a child my parents sent me to Sunday School at the local Methodist Church and usually always to Daily Vacation Bible School at the Baptist Church during the summer months. We heard a lot of Bible stories, but for obvious reasons, certain parts of the Bible were carefully avoided by the teachers, the pastors and our parents.
That’s because the stories were really raw. They not only gave graphic accounts of the mass slaughter of people but many of the Old Testament books are filled with accounts of descriptive sex acts. For example, I have never heard the following verse from Ezekiel 23 read aloud in any church:
“Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses.”
Then there is that strange story about Lot and his family while they were hanging out in the wicked city of Sodom where wild sex orgies and homosexuality was running rabid. Since Lot was apparently obeying himself (and he was among the "chosen") God sent two angels to warn Lot to get the hell out of town before God brought judgment down on the place.
While the angels, who appeared as men, were staying with Lot, a crowd came to the door demanding that the “visitors” come out to be sexually ravaged, apparently right there on the street. Instead of sending the angels, Lot sent his virgin daughters into the mob to be gang raped. Since the men in the yard wanted the male angels they had no interest in sex with women. Thus Lot's daughters were spared.
We all know the story. The family fled. Sodom and Gomorrah exploded like they were hit with atomic bombs, Lot’s wife turned to salt because she paused to look back, and the family hid out in a cave.
But this is not the end of this crazy sex story. While living together in the cave, the daughters got horny, purposefully got their father so drunk he fell into a stupor, and then they date raped him. Thus both girls became impregnated by their father and bore bastard children. And that, boys and girls, was the origin of some of the Middle Eastern races.
If you search, it is not hard to find stories in the Bible that rival just about anything you might read in contemporary sexually oriented books and magazines. How ironic that families gather to read the Bible, but teen-age boys hide their sex magazines under their mattress.
The satirical website of the Landover Baptist Church, tackles this Biblical issue in a hilarious report that is well worth the read. The article is titled “Sex-Free Bible Stirs Controversy.”
The story says James Montrose, the principal of the church school, just finalized an abridged King James Version of the Bible that omits all references to “Illicit and deviant sex acts” so it can be used in school Bible study. The problem is, the revised Bible is so thin it can be read in a single evening. The story says it is “roughly the size of a theater program.”
The author of the story, who is probably Chris Harper, the creator of the parody site, offers the following descriptive outline of the raw content that can be found in the Bible:
“The unabridged Bible is loaded with passages describing in detail such disgusting topics as premature ejaculation (Leviticus 15:2-15; 22:3-5), wet dreams (Leviticus 15:16-18, 32), voyeurism (Leviticus 18:6-20); damaged testicles (Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy 23:1); people taking a dump in the middle of camp (Deuteronomy 23:12-14); hemorrhoids (1 Samuel 5:9; 6:4-5), people urinating on a wall (1 Samuel 25:22; 26:34; 1 Kings 14:10; 16:11; 21:22; 2 Kings 9:8), people eating their own feces and drinking their urine (2 Kings 18:27; Isaiah 36:12; Ezekiel 4:12, 15), menstruation (just about all of Leviticus), etc., etc., etc. And those are just from a few books I reviewed this morning. Some of these topics are too prurient even for an S&M club. In fact, many parts of the Good Book are so tawdry that the Bible would be the first book hurled into the flames at our weekly book burnings - were it not inspired by God, of course.”
So there you have it. If you like to read that kind of crap, we highly recommend the Old Testament stories. There is plenty of lurid entertainment waiting there in that book. You can probably find it lying as a conversation piece on the living room coffee table.
By James Donahue
When I was a child my parents sent me to Sunday School at the local Methodist Church and usually always to Daily Vacation Bible School at the Baptist Church during the summer months. We heard a lot of Bible stories, but for obvious reasons, certain parts of the Bible were carefully avoided by the teachers, the pastors and our parents.
That’s because the stories were really raw. They not only gave graphic accounts of the mass slaughter of people but many of the Old Testament books are filled with accounts of descriptive sex acts. For example, I have never heard the following verse from Ezekiel 23 read aloud in any church:
“Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses.”
Then there is that strange story about Lot and his family while they were hanging out in the wicked city of Sodom where wild sex orgies and homosexuality was running rabid. Since Lot was apparently obeying himself (and he was among the "chosen") God sent two angels to warn Lot to get the hell out of town before God brought judgment down on the place.
While the angels, who appeared as men, were staying with Lot, a crowd came to the door demanding that the “visitors” come out to be sexually ravaged, apparently right there on the street. Instead of sending the angels, Lot sent his virgin daughters into the mob to be gang raped. Since the men in the yard wanted the male angels they had no interest in sex with women. Thus Lot's daughters were spared.
We all know the story. The family fled. Sodom and Gomorrah exploded like they were hit with atomic bombs, Lot’s wife turned to salt because she paused to look back, and the family hid out in a cave.
But this is not the end of this crazy sex story. While living together in the cave, the daughters got horny, purposefully got their father so drunk he fell into a stupor, and then they date raped him. Thus both girls became impregnated by their father and bore bastard children. And that, boys and girls, was the origin of some of the Middle Eastern races.
If you search, it is not hard to find stories in the Bible that rival just about anything you might read in contemporary sexually oriented books and magazines. How ironic that families gather to read the Bible, but teen-age boys hide their sex magazines under their mattress.
The satirical website of the Landover Baptist Church, tackles this Biblical issue in a hilarious report that is well worth the read. The article is titled “Sex-Free Bible Stirs Controversy.”
The story says James Montrose, the principal of the church school, just finalized an abridged King James Version of the Bible that omits all references to “Illicit and deviant sex acts” so it can be used in school Bible study. The problem is, the revised Bible is so thin it can be read in a single evening. The story says it is “roughly the size of a theater program.”
The author of the story, who is probably Chris Harper, the creator of the parody site, offers the following descriptive outline of the raw content that can be found in the Bible:
“The unabridged Bible is loaded with passages describing in detail such disgusting topics as premature ejaculation (Leviticus 15:2-15; 22:3-5), wet dreams (Leviticus 15:16-18, 32), voyeurism (Leviticus 18:6-20); damaged testicles (Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy 23:1); people taking a dump in the middle of camp (Deuteronomy 23:12-14); hemorrhoids (1 Samuel 5:9; 6:4-5), people urinating on a wall (1 Samuel 25:22; 26:34; 1 Kings 14:10; 16:11; 21:22; 2 Kings 9:8), people eating their own feces and drinking their urine (2 Kings 18:27; Isaiah 36:12; Ezekiel 4:12, 15), menstruation (just about all of Leviticus), etc., etc., etc. And those are just from a few books I reviewed this morning. Some of these topics are too prurient even for an S&M club. In fact, many parts of the Good Book are so tawdry that the Bible would be the first book hurled into the flames at our weekly book burnings - were it not inspired by God, of course.”
So there you have it. If you like to read that kind of crap, we highly recommend the Old Testament stories. There is plenty of lurid entertainment waiting there in that book. You can probably find it lying as a conversation piece on the living room coffee table.